Wednesday, January 28, 2015


I miss her more than anything. I miss being able to call her and hear her voice. I miss her calling me "mommy". I miss her playing around with my boys. Everything just happened so fast and I still can't come to terms with it. I don't think this gap in my heart will ever heal. I will always long for her. 

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Faith and hope

I have two special woman in my life who I look up to and who I strive to be like. My mom and my grandma. 

My grandma is like my second mom. Her and my grandpa help raise me and for that alone I will be FOREVER Thankful! I love them and have such a strong bond with them both. I am blessed with so many good memories with them and will cherish them forever. My grandma is such a strong, loving, admirable, confident, faithful women. Her strength amazes me. Recently my grandma has been really sick and the doctors just gave us some hard news. She has stage 4 adenocarcinoma of an unknown primary. This is not a good thing to have because they don't know where the cancer has started. It's so advanced and she is really sick. They have told us she may not make it through the next week in which she will have 5 rounds of radiation to help stabilize her neck where there is a tumor. After the radiation they will send her home on hospice. They said she has anywhere from 1 week -1 month. My grandma being the amazingly strong lady she is told them she is a fighter and she isn't going anywhere. 

I know I have to be strong, not only for her but for my grandpa. I don't want her to see me being weak and crying. Yet it's so hard to know that I will not have her in my life for much longer. I know death is apart of life but I don't handle death well at all. I can't picture my life without her here. My heart hurts for her. It hurts to know that she is laying there in a bed and she knows that she is dying. 2 weeks ago she went to the hospital after back and forth doctors visits because her neck was hurting and her doctors just kept. Sending her home saying it was nothing. 5 weeks of them telling her to take pain meds for a sprain. When it was really a tumor that had fractured her vertebra! 

I hate cancer! I hate that it keeps coming into my life. I hate what it does to those I love! How it slowly kills you and drains the life out of you. 

I don't want my grandma to suffer like she was 2 weeks ago. I want her to be happy and to enjoy the rest of her life. I want her to know how important she is to me and how much I love her. How I will think of her everyday. 

It's that time of year....


It had been super cold here in NM. 3 members of our family have been sick. Started with kayben, poor guy has the WORST cough!! The. On to me and it was more my sinus'. Now my poor konner, he has been throwing up all morning and is just feeling crappy. 
I hope we get over it in time for Christmas! Kyesun and kayben have Christmas parties in school the rest of this week. Like seriously Kyesun is having 3 parties, it's crazy!! We have been doing good otherwise. 

Kayben and konner built an awesome snowman last week. 

Kyesun and kayben had a luminaire walk at school and we decorated a bag in honor of konner and also in honor of my friend Tanya! It's was truly heartwarming! 

We added a new member to our family! His name is Sousa and he actually grew up with our other dog Quita! He is Kyesun pal. He loves Kyesun!! 

Do you see the way he lays on the floor in the above picture? I seriously dig it!! He is such a great dog. We love him and our Quita girl! 

I went to the justin timberlake concert at the beginning of this month and it was blast!! He rocked it and I would totally follow him on your if I was A: poor and B: a mommy and wife lol. 

While we were there in az I took the boys to the zoo lights and to the zoo the next day to see the animals. They had such a great time and so did i. What is it about looking at wild animals held in cages?! 

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Crave photography giveaway

I could use another lens or a mentoring session is always great to improve your skills as a photographer. Check it out if your interested!

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Update 2013

It's been awhile since I actually updated on what we have been up to. Sorry for not posting anything in so long.

We have been busy as a family! We r all growing up and are happy and healthy. We recently moved and purchased a new house. Still here in New Mexico but we love it! 2013 has gone by really fast!!!!

I have been pretty busy with photography. I have done pretty good and am proud of myself in how far I have come. I still stay home and take care of the kiddos but that will be changing as soon as konner goes to school. Really sad about having my kiddos grow up! 

Kyle has been busy with work and school like always! I don't think he will ever stop school. He was recently promoted to SGT. With the department. He will be graduating with his masters degree in December. He is such a smartie patootie!

Kyesun just got done with football season. He started a new team called the wolfpack. They made it to first round of playoffs! He is in 5th grade this year and started at a new school which we love! He will be starting basketball soon. 

Kayben started kindergarten this year and he is still not too sure about it. He is going to start wrestling and is beyond excited about it! He out of control sometimes but then loving and caring most of the time. He really tests my patience! But I surely love him!!!

Konner is growing up so fast. I just wish their was a pause or slow motion button! He is still cancer free and we expect him to stay that way. He is a little guy with a big attitude and you can definitely tell he is the baby of the family. 

Quita is our new baby! She is the most amazing dog ever! She is a basenji (the barkless dog) and we love her sooo much! 


Monday, November 4, 2013

Tanya Nicole Johnson

Have you ever had a friend who you could tell anything to and you know you are not being judged? Someone who you knew would be there for you anytime you needed them? Someone who you were friends with in high school and junior high but not good friends with them?

After high school and really not until about 2009 did I become such great friends with Tanya. She is absolutely AMAZING! Tanya and I grew up together and were friends in high school. We had different interests and kind of stuck to those and what we knew in high school. I wish I would have hung out with her more back, I never knew how much alike we were and how funny, outgoing, caring, loving, she was. She is honestly a one of a kind Tanya! There is no other Tanya like her.

While Kyle was in Iraq serving his 2nd tour Tanya and I became really good friends. We hung out all the time and we had fun! She was there for me when I needed to talk, cry, needed a break. She was always just a phone call or text away. When Konner was DX with Neuroblastoma cancer Tanya and all my friends were there! Specifically Tanya and my friend Tobi helped watch my other 2 kids when Kyle and I were in the hospital with Konner. I was blessed with such a great support system and am so thankful to my Heavenly Father for that.

You see Tanya was DX (diagnosed) with a rare form of Cervical Cancer last year (2012) at the young age of 27. She has undergone so much to try and get healthy again and live a normal life! She endured chemo, radiation, surgeries, blood transfusions, platelet transfusion and numerous pokes and ER visits. She has Been on trial studies and had to be away from family for different doctors visits in Chicago. I mean you name it she has probably been through it. "T" as I always called her was a trooper. Never once did she complain about the hand she was dealt. Even when I would tell her "T its ok to tell me how you really feel." T and I had that one thing in common in a way. I had a son with cancer and knew to a point what she was going through. Anger, sadness, heart ache, depression, hope, faith, courage. All of it!! CANCER SUCKS! and it SUCKS THE LIFE OUT OF YOU!

Still Tanya kept going, she fought for herself, for her boyfriend, her family, nieces and nephew, her friends. TANYA FOUGHT and NEVER EVER GAVE UP! But she was tired and worn out and tired and worn out. She just wanted to be pain free and her last chance and hope was to go to Utopia Wellness Center in Florida. So she left for Florida on October 13, 2013. In September of this year Tanya for the 2nd time was told by doctors that there was nothing else they could do for her but to keep her comfortable. Her cancer was spreading like a wildfire and they couldn't stop it. T and her family knew there had to be something out there that could at least give her a chance. She choose the wellness center in Florida. While there I didnt get to talk to her much. She was busy with a set schedule and was always going. I did get to talk to her on Thursday the 24 of October. She seemed upbeat about some good news they just got from one of her doctors there. I scolded her on losing so much weight and said you better start eating missy. and she LOL'd me and said she is trying and is actually eating a little better but that her appetite was hardly there. We talked about how we wish we saw each other more and how I wish I could have seen her when she was at the balloon fiesta in NM. She asked about my boys and how we were doing. She said she was really tired from all the schedules and I asked her when she would know if what they were doing was working. And she said they were going to do scans in about a week to see how she was doing. We said out goodbyes and I told her how much I loved her and how good of a friend she was.

And just like that she was gone....... I read a post from her sister that she was admitted to the hospital on Friday night with chest pain and shortness of breath. She couldn't breath and she decided to be intubated. I text her sister and told her to please keep me updated. She said that her whole family flew out to Florida to be by T and say their goodbyes. Tanya Nicole Johnson passed away on Monday October 28, 2013 surrounded by her loving family.

I am so blessed and honored to be able to say I know Tanya Johnson she was my friend. She was such an amazing friend to me and my family. I will miss our random texts to each other, her laugh, smile and big hugs! I will miss being able to call her when i go to az and see if she wants to meet up. I will miss her dog sitting for me. I will miss everything about her. I know she is not in pain and that she is happy where she is. But I honestly am selfish and wish she was still here. I have cried and cried and here I am typing away and crying. This is something I have been wanting to share and to keep for myself. So I can be reminded about her and how much she meant to me. I will never stop talking about her and will always remember her. I will strive to be more forgiving to people and more giving. Because you never know when someone whether close to you or not will be taken away. I know Tanya is up there and talking to my dad and they are looking down on me and my family.

I will say it again......... CANCER SUCKS!!!!